This is Why.

I’m just going to lay it on the line. I’ve spent the last 20 months, saying I was going to put this all down in writing, because It’s too heavy to continue carry in my heart. For nearly 6 years, I was in a relationship with a man who was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive to me. A man who stripped me of everything I owned, everyone I loved, and every ounce of dignity and self-respect that I had. There were days that I feared for my life. As dramatic as that sounds- when a man drags you by your hair into a vehicle, throws your glasses out the window of the moving vehicle and then tells you he is going to drive you off of an overpass to kill you... you retain the right (and the ptsd that comes along with it) to say you feared that your life was going to end. You also beg, and plead, and scream and cry until he turns the vehicle around and you find your glasses on the side of the road. Then, just to add insult to injury, he takes you back to your home where he sexually assaults you. So yeah, there were days where I feared for my life- and while this is only one instance, in nearly six years of this behavior, I also never told anyone that it happened. 

There is a lot of shame that comes along with being abused by another human being. Any number of my friends, family members or coworkers would likely tell you that I was NEVER the kind of woman that they imagine would stay in an abusive relationship. I was a very strong willed, educated and independent woman. My current boyfriend still says to me “I don’t understand why you put up with everything you did. I cannot imagine you ever letting anyone treat you like that.” I can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it how it happens. But if you have been through the cycle of abuse with another human being, you understand that it is a slow, methodical and purposeful way to tear a person down to nothing. And that’s what he did. He built me up with promises of love and adoration... which were things I was craving when he came into my life. Then, he slowly removed every single thing I loved about my life, and who I was. He convinced me that my family hated me. He wouldn’t allow me to spend time with my friends. Several years ago, I had a ticket to go to see a band I love with a friend from College at a local winery, and he wouldn’t allow me to go, because he was abstaining from alcohol at the time. I’m allergic to wine... so I wasn’t going to be drinking either.. but I still couldn’t go. I wasn’t allowed to talk to men that I worked with. I wasn’t allowed to travel anywhere with them by car - he didn’t want me to have to travel at all, and even though my job required a certain amount of travel, and I was the sole adult supporting the two of us (shockingly, he couldn’t manage to keep a job.) he would go into anger-induced rages and break things when I told him I had to travel. (I went through approximately six cell phones. Three flat screen televisions, and three vacuums- among other personal items when he would have these anger induced rages.)

I’ve spent a good amount of time on this earth feeling like I am meant to understand others, but I am not meant to be understood. It leads to me spending a lot of time explaining myself and the decisions that I make. It’s exhausting to feel like you are always having to defend yourself, your actions, your reactions and your emotions. I say this, because I feel like I have been easily manipulated in my past, because I wanted so badly to be understood. I want my parents to be proud of me, and to be the favorite sister, and aunt. The best girlfriend, the best bonus mom, the one that makes the most delicious food. Deep down, I want everyone’s approval, and at some point I am going to have to let go of that, and realize that my own approval is all that matters. 

I have a wonderful therapist (and I’m not just saying that because she’s reading this.) who constantly reminds me of exactly how strong I am, and how much this experience has forced me to grow. She’s 100% correct- I am, but getting myself safely out of that toxic relationship, was the easiest part. I deal with the consequences of the years of manipulation and abuse I endured EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It manifests itself in ways that I could have never imagined. Emotional outbursts when I am told to do something that is outside the scope of my responsibility. Raised voices or yelling- make me very, very upset. (It doesn’t even matter if the voices or yelling are directed at me.) Being ignored or given the silent treatment is a trigger for me. I mention these things because you truly never know what someone else is dealing with. I get up and get out of bed every day and put one foot in front of the other, but that is not always easy, and it no longer comes as naturally to me as it once did. I spent so many days, weeks, months, and years doing what someone else told me that I was going to do- that along with the freedom I gained when I ended that relationship, I also gained a complete inability to do anything that I don’t want to do.  I am very fortunate to have a patient, kind, and amazing boyfriend who I absolutely adore, one who understands that part of loving me is understanding where I came from- and knowing that I am a work in progress. Daily, I have to retrain my brain to understand that I don’t have to be in self-preservation mode anymore. I am safe. I am happy. I am truly loved, by a man who doesn’t need me to take care of him, support him financially, or be his human punching bag. It’s such a simple thing, to most.. but to me it has made all of the difference.