It's Going to be Ok.

I've been struggling. I get up at 4:30 in the morning, drag myself to wash my face, and grab a cup of coffee before I sit down at my kitchen table to work remotely for 8 hours. I don't mind working from home, it's quiet, and I'm a way more productive employee..  but the emotional baggage of everything that is happening around me is weighing on me heavily. By 1pm, when I'm done work, I don't want to do anything. I mean nothing. I don't want to read a book, I don't want to knit, I don't want to write (yet, here I am..) or play video games - nothing that brings me any amount of joy feels good. Everything feels heavy, all consuming, cold and difficult. But, as my grandfather always used to say - we mush on.  It really is the only option we have. I never imagined that I would see a world-wide pandemic in my life. Call it naive, call it hopeful, but being confined to my home to keep myself and my loved ones safe always seemed like something you only saw on the big screen. I realized today, that writing all of this down was important... because hopefully, I'll only live through this kind of hysteria just this one time.  

I got a hot tip yesterday that the local Lowe's had antibacterial wipes. All we have left for wipes is half a small container or Seventh Generation Organic Wipes.  I got quite a laugh yesterday, thinking about my life prior to COVID-19, when I thought chemicals in cleaning products were bad. I would bite a small child for a container of the good stuff, now. So, anyway, I planned on heading out to Lowe's after I got out of work, and decided that if I was going to go out for the wipes, I'd just get the shopping done for the week as well, so that I don't have to go out again until next week. I do not know how to explain what going into the grocery store is like right now. I get so stressed out about having to go in there. Will they have what I need? Will they have what Z's mom needs? (I'm doing her shopping too.) Will I be able to stay away from everyone? Will someone cough on me? My trips inside any store right now are so anxiety filled, that I DREAD it. And if you know me at all, you know I love food. Pre-Corona virus, my favorite thing to do was go grocery shopping, and plan elaborate meals. I got to Lowe's just to find out they had sold out of the antibacterial wipes. But, I got Z's mom the paper towels she needed, so it wasn't a complete loss. Next up was Hannaford. I didn't have an EXTENSIVE list. But I grabbed things here and there to throw together lunches and breakfasts and a few things that I needed for dinner. I'm confident enough in my skills in the kitchen, that grocery shopping during a pandemic isn't HARD.  I can make a delicious meal out of just about anything. I don't go into the store worried that they're not going to have paper towel, or toilet paper, or butter or eggs... I KNOW they aren't going to have shelves full of those things. But when I walked up to the meat counter and asked the man behind the counter if they had any cube steak, I didn't expect him to scoff at me and make me feel like an idiot for asking. He rolled his eyes at me and said "Uhm, No, Ma'am.. I'm going to guess that we WON'T have any of that." It should be mentioned that the meat counter was FULL... so it did not feel like an outrageous ask. Anyway... they didn't have it, I accepted it and moved on with my list. I grabbed things that felt decadent - danish blue cheese crumbles that I could throw in salads or on burgers. A new bottle of salad dressing... Newman's Queso, and ice cream. These are the things that are bringing me joy, and they're also going to bring on a 20 pound weight gain if I don't cut it out real soon. The comfort eating is at an all time high, and I'm not even going to apologize for it... because this isn't forever.  As an aside, I'm making buttermilk fried chicken, coleslaw and biscuits for dinner, because why not? There's a point to this story, I swear I'm getting to it. When I got to the point where I was ready to check out, I snaked around to the back of the very long queue the store has set up to keep the social distancing guidelines in place. I waited my turn. I put all of my groceries onto the belt, chit-chatting with the cashier about how he feels about using plastic bags again. As we were talking, I overheard the bagger speaking to a non-verbal coworker who was gesturing to him wildly, and mouthing words I could not hear or see. But I did hear the bagger say to him "It's ok Alex (name changed), it was just a bad day. I promise tomorrow is going to be better. It's going to be ok, it was just a bad day." And that was the most human interaction I have seen in weeks - I almost cried. Because, it is all going to be ok. In one month, two months... when we are on the other side of this, it's going to be ok. We will go back to work in our offices. We will be able to hug our families, we will once again, be able to buy the full chemical laden antibacterial wipes... and we will rebuild our lives again. 

I'm fortunate in this life to have a partner that I really rarely argue or disagree with. We have been cooped up in this house together for two weeks, and except for some mildly irritating moments, I haven't wished he wasn't here once. There's no one else I'd rather be cooped up with. We went for a drive this week to get some ice cream and it was, in it's simplicity, absolutely perfect. We still have the kids every weekend, and have been able to keep them in their routine. Pre COVID-19, we didn't really do much on the weekend anyway, so the kids are comfortable in their weekend routine, and being homebodies here. They have their toys, and their books and their movies and tablets and outside play time... and it's been enough to keep them occupied. What's super irritating, is their mother's inability to follow basic social distancing guidelines. One of Zach's children has been allowed to spend time at a friends house overnight during the week, and is now sick. I'm not sure what is so difficult about following the rules, or thinking about other people but her inability to do so, inevitably impacts our home as well. This is nothing new, it is selfish people like her, increasing the risk to everyone around her, who have continued the spread of this virus and made all of this happen. Keep up the good work, mother of the year, we all thank you.

When this is over, I'm going to hug all of my friends and loved ones so hard. Connecting with my family via video chat is fun.. but it doesn't get rid of the ache that one has from the lack of human connection. I'm going to drink all of the coffee at Rock City, I'm going to browse through all of the books at Hello Hello Books, I'm going to eat at all of my favorite restaurants, and do everything I can to help all of the businesses who are struggling right now. Don't worry everybody, it's going to be ok.