We don't have to - we GET to.

It's been a hot minute since I took the time to sit down and write. I took some time off from work, and this honestly feels like the first time in a long time that I have had the ability or the energy to put some words down on paper. If you have been around for a while, you know most of what I'm going to talk about here. If you haven't, there's a whole archive of entries here that you can feel free to peruse.

I am an emotional person by nature. I feel things deeply, and I am surrounded by big feelings nearly every second of every day. That makes me too much for some people, and that's ok. I'm not apologetic about the person that I am. I have lived some life, I have had a lot of life experience that many people do not understand. When I take time to really think about the way that my life has changed in the past 5 years, I get extremely emotional. I am alive. I am here to tell the tale, and as long as I feel like there are people who can benefit from what I lived through, I will continue to tell the stories. 

5 years ago, I was four years into a relationship that set out to kill me.  I was financially drowning-  supporting two grown adults because the man I was in a relationship with, refused to keep a job or support himself. In addition to the financial trauma that I endured in that relationship, I also endured mental, emotional, and physical abuse. But 5 years ago, I decided that I had endured enough. It was a slow, and deliberate exit from that relationship, one that took me nearly two years to execute. There's a lot of documentation out there that talks about the systematic breakdown of a human being who is trapped within the abuse cycle with another human being. Trust me when I tell you that every single ounce of what you read is what I went through. Limiting my financial resources, making me dependent upon him for whatever else I needed (in my case, supporting him caused me to have my car repossessed, and he knew that his car was my only means of transportation - even though he was dependent upon me to drive... because he had lost his ability to maintain a drivers license because he wasn't paying his child support, or his taxes.) Finally, I realized that the beginning of the end, for me, was getting another car. So I got it. And he was furious - because he knew that I was gaining independence from. him. It still took me a little more than a year and a half to tell him he needed to leave. By this time, he had ALREADY started his plan of attack for his next victim...and I was aware of this - this was a pattern for him. Regardless of how aware I was that he had taken this step to secure his next living situation, I was still terrified of the potential retribution for ending that relationship. I knew. what he had said about every single one of his exes - and I knew he was going to say the same things about me. I knew he was going to tell everyone that I was crazy, and possessive, and he was going to tell them all to block me on social media so I couldn't reach out to them. He had said all of these things to me about every single one of his exes. 

I used this blog, to talk about my experience, because I knew his current girlfriend was likely going to find it.  We had (have) a lot of friends in common, and I was fairly certain that someone would tell her that I was writing about him... and they did. And she read it.. and when it was her time, she also left that relationship. We're friends... which is something that I think absolutely kills him, but we have a shared experience that a lot of people have... but don't talk about. I met her for coffee last weekend, and I am beyond grateful for her friendship, as unconventional as it may be.

So again, last five years - I ended that relationship in January of 2018, and started the journey of finding myself again... 8 months later, I met Z - who has changed my life in ways that I never imagined were possible. I gush about him constantly, you're all tired of hearing it... but last night, when I said to him "I really wish you didn't have to go back to work tomorrow." he said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said "Because I fucking enjoy your company and I miss you when you're not here." and I meant it. He's the best. He makes me laugh so hard... and he makes me want to be a better version of myself every single day. Just about a year after Z and I started dating, I became increasingly unhappy with my career. I was being pushed out of a job I loved, with an extremely hostile work environment that my HR department not only ignored, but they also allowed my manager to retaliate against me when I reported that hostile environment. I found myself in the midst of a crisis, where I suddenly had to start searching for a new job- I live in rural Maine, career analyst jobs are not aplenty in these parts, so I took the first job that I thought might sustain my interests, even though it came along with a VERY hefty pay cut. I thought that as long as I was happy doing the job, the lack of paycheck wouldn't bother me, and I wouldn't be in that hostile work environment anymore. Instead, I spent a little over 14 months in that job, angry every day that I had to leave a job I loved, angry that I wasn't getting the support that I needed from the management at this new job, angry that I was poor, and unable to do things for myself that I was accustomed to being able to do previously. (First world problems, I know... but I love to be able to feed my family.... and I was barely able to do that... never mind buy myself clothes, or  get my hair cut regularly.) And hey- we were also. in the middle of a global pandemic. I started looking for a new job, AGAIN. This time, I wasn't stopping until I found the job I wanted, for the pay I wanted.

So fast forward, end of November, 2020 - I FINALLY, after five months of interviewing for jobs (and losing out on opportunities I felt I deserved, that I had been groomed to believe I would get, that I was qualified for) accepted a job with a semi-local (about an hour away) Tech company that works with the healthcare industry. Nearly six months in, I still believe that this was the right move for me. I still work fully remotely, and likely will until early 2022. (And I'm totally ok with that. This pandemic has really not endeared me to many people outside of my tiny little bubble.) 

In January, nearly a month into my new job, with my reasonable salary, decided to treat myself. I bought myself the gift of exercise, and at my sisters strong recommendation, purchased a Peloton. It arrived Mid-March, and my obsession began about a month later. For nearly a month, every time I got on the bike I would whine and tell Z that it wasn't as easy as running, and I was worried I was going to hate it. I don't hate it. In fact, this morning, my day off, I got up and got on that bike for 40 minutes before I did anything else. 

I am not the final version of myself. I am 42, and my story doesn't end here. I am still evolving, every single day. My version of happiness is not the same as anyone else's. The things that bring others joy, are not the same things that bring me joy. I am happy with my humdrum life. I cook great food. I knit all of the sweaters. I watch all of the trash tv. I have surrounded myself with plants, and people that I love. Five years ago, this person was who I dreamt I could be, and I was on my way. I look back at that woman, and what she has endured, and I am so grateful to be where I am today. This life - we only get one chance to make it good. That doesn't mean we don't have to make hard choices. It doesn't mean we don't get to grow and evolve. We don't have to - but we GET to... and that shift in my thought process has made all the difference.