Beauty In The Breakdown
Here’s something virtually none of you know- remember back in early 2013 when I lost my job because my partner at the time kept telling me I had to come home from work or he was going to hurt himself? Well, because I was unemployed, I had a lot of time on my hands. I also had a partner who told me constantly how much better I would look if I just wore these clothes instead of what I was accustomed to wearing. He also made comments about the rounder parts of my body.. and I really started to feel badly about myself. So.. I started running. I would get up in the morning, and after he left for work (He finally got a job after I lost mine- at a Nike retail store about 45 minutes from our house in an outlet mall- making $7.50 an hour part time. He spent nearly his entire paycheck on shoes for himself.) and I would take a jog around the neighborhood. A half a mile turned into a mile, a mile to two miles, and once I started feeling really good, he decided he was going to run with me. To manipulate me into being ok with this- he bought me a good pair of running shoes and some new Nike workout clothes. We trained for a 5k, and when that race was over, we trained for a 10k. (Still one of my greatest accomplishments- completing that race.) The weight felt like it was literally falling off of me. It was easy. I loved running. I loved the way it made me feel, and I learned to love doing it together- even though he was always so much faster than I was.
Throughout the ups and downs of that relationship, I had some really strong periods where I would gain and lose weight under the pressure, sadness and stress of that relationship. I joined a gym so I could run on the treadmill during winter. I started taking yoga classes. I used exercise to manage the mental challenges I faced every single day.
In January of 2018 When I ended that relationship, I had put on a lot of weight. I was unhappy. Alcohol and drugs have never been my coping mechanism- food was. I ate away my pain. So when I finally kicked him out- I started running again. Remember those early morning sunrise photos- where I would wake up at 4 am so that I could run to the shoreline to catch the sunrise? Those were taken during a very dark period of my life where I had to surround myself with beauty to remind me that life was worth living.
Fast forward eight months, and I met Z, and I was pretty immediately enamored by having him in my life. He has been a constant reminder of all that is good in the world. I stopped running when I moved in with him in December of 2018. I felt good- but I can’t walk out the door and run here like I could when I lived in my apartment- the road is too dangerous- so I stopped running. In mid-2019, when things with my job took a drastic turn for the worst, I started eating away the pain again. I had an amazing partner that I adored, but going to work each day was painful. I had a boss who subtly started harassing me- and a HR department that let him retaliate against me when I reported it. I found an amazing therapist, who diagnosed me with PTSD- and encouraged me to look for a job that would fulfill me, where I would not feel the impacts of the PTSD. I found a new job- one that I thought would get me through until I found something else…and that new job brought on severe financial stress, and I absolutely hated it- so I joined the gym, so I could run. And then Covid happened… and the gym shut down.
In January of 2021, I ordered a Peloton. I had gotten a new job (Again. This time, I didn’t have as much stress.) and during Covid lockdown, I kept telling Z I needed an outlet for my mental sanity. I was torn between a treadmill and a Peloton- we really had room for neither… but my sister convinced me to get the Peloton, because the footprint is much smaller. Z encouraged me to get whatever I thought I would use, and we would find a place to put it.
My Peloton was ordered on January 2nd, and arrived on March 18th- it lives in our dining room. You know what? It totally works, and I’m not even mad about it. This bike has allowed me to focus on my mental health. When I started riding my bike, I started to feel better… I started to eat better. I didn’t buy it with the intention of losing weight- but I lost 25 pounds, and I felt good about that. And then I got stuck at 25 pounds, and I didn’t care, I wasn’t doing this for weight loss, I was doing this for mental clarity. I don’t have a partner that makes negative comments about my body. I don’t have a partner that cares what clothes I put on my body. (To be honest, he makes the most comments about the sheer number of sneakers I own… I’m unapologetic… I love me some Converse, Toms, and Adidas. 🤷🏻♀️) I have a partner who encourages me to do whatever makes me feel good. Yesterday, I realized that I’m now down 3 pant sizes. My weight isn’t changing, but my body definitely is. I feel so much better than I did a year ago- I have accepted that I need to move my body to keep my mind clear.
Apparently the ex has a new girlfriend- her name is also Amanda- every time he finds a new victim, I find myself thinking about her. About how he makes her feel, the subtle ways he will change her to fit his mold, while removing every good quality she has, and every good person from her life.
I want to tell her that the first time he hits her, or spits in her face will not be the last. I want her to know that every apology he gives her is riddled with false hope and regret, but she should not accept them as a promise for a better future. I want to tell her to run, far far away from him- because he will destroy her life like a cancer. Hopefully, she will see this- and know that she is not alone, and she does not deserve what is happening to her. Once you are out, you begin to see the beauty in the break down.
If you, or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Violence, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For a list of local Maine resources, please visit https://findingourvoices.net
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