I literally have no idea what I'm doing.

It's been a very interesting week. I'd like to leave it at just that, but I can't, because it goes against everything I stand for. I spent the early part of the week unsuccessfully trying to get back into my pre-vacation routine. My running schedule was off, my sleep schedule was off.. the end result of just those two things had me feeling super anxious, and sad and I felt like I couldn't get out of my own way.

You know, relationships are difficult. All of them. Friendships, family, romantic relationships... even the interactions that you have with complete strangers can impact you in ways you didn't think were possible. I truly have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I try to do my best to just be me - I don't apologize to anyone for who I am or for the way I feel. Do no harm, but take no shit has become a very important mantra for me.

I've been single for nearly seven months. That's not a long time (though, if I'm being honest, it sometimes feels like a lifetime.) but what I have realized in that time, is that I absolutely abhor online dating. I took a break for a little over a month, and just this week reactivated my dating profile because I realized that I have extreme FOMO. (Mom, Dad, friends who are sensitive to .. anything.. you may want to skip over this next part.) In the past week, I have had two men send me messages just to tell me that one of my profile images made me look horrible. (Oddly, they both complained about the same exact photo. I refuse to take it down now... out of principle.)  I have had four men approach me for threesomes - one of them is the boyfriend of a woman I grew up with. (A very awkward conversation with her occurred after that one.) And lastly, after spurning another man's unwanted advances, he sent me a message that contained so much hateful language, I didn't feel right for two days afterwards. Though, to be honest, it also made me laugh- because it contained this exact phrase "Take your shitzu looking underbite and go the fuck away, fat girl."  Listen, call me fat if you want to... but let's be clear about one thing here.. I DO NOT have an underbite! So, yeah.  Online dating. So much bullshit to wade through, so little fucking reward. (Disclaimer: Your own mileage may vary. I have to believe that not all interactions are this horrible.. and I've experienced positive online dating experiences as well.)


"I think love is like employment at will. Anyone can leave at anytime for any reason and when I said I quit, well I guess what I meant was, I want a raise and another week's paid vacation." -Abi Tapia 

People come in and out of your life at will. This doesn't only occur where love is concerned. What never ceases to amaze me, is how effortless those entrances and even the exits can seem. Whether it be a day, a week, a month, a year... when someone comes back into your life that has been gone for a period of time, and it feels like no time has passed - you need to really focus on cultivating those relationships - those are your people.

Speaking of which, I spent some time with my favorite New Jersians this weekend. They're here for the summer, and I REALLY enjoy the time that I get to spend with them, especially since I haven't seen them in a year. The laughs, the love, the absolute joy that I feel in my soul when I am with them is palpable. My friend Sarah is simultaneously one of my best and also worst influences. She definitely encourages me when I need the encouragement the most... and sometimes, that encouragement is found at the bottom of three heavy handed Grey Goose Christmas Moscow Mules.  But, at the end of the night, she force feeds me gatorade and all the water my bladder will hold, and she lets me go to bed even though it's only 11pm. I did not, in fact, go to bed. I stayed up drunk texting about Romnichal Gypsies, and my absolute love for the movie Empire Records. Yesterday, I was a little bit hungover, but we went and spent the day at Pemaquid Beach. It ended up being a little bit chilly, but the company was fantastic, and I had twin minions to bring me things after they buried my feet in the sand, and I couldn't move.

I got up this morning and headed to Northport to go to The Hoot for brunch. It's a super cute little place that used to be home to my favorite local Mexican Restaurant, Dos Amigos a million years ago.  I ordered the Ducktrap Smoked Salmon Benedict.  It was absolutely amazing, but I really wish more restaurants would offer a HALF Benedict. I can never eat both. I brought the other one home, but bendicts are also notorious for not reheating well.

The rest of the day is going to be about relaxing, and cleaning, and getting ready to get back into my regular routine starting tomorrow. I'm probably going to have to go grocery shopping as well. I need snacks.