When your employer isn't prepared to send employees to work from home, they tell you to use your own equipment. I was fine with that, I am a Mac snob.... and I don't care who knows it. But my little MacBook Air has never gotten as much use as it has the past three and a half weeks, and as you can see, I wore holes through the design in my old Keyboard cover. So, even though I now have a company issued laptop to work from all day, I used this as an excuse to treat myself to some new PPE for my little MacBookAir. These keyboard covers are quite handy. No crumbs here! Just wipe that bitch down with an antibacterial wipe, and you're good to go! I like the new cover too... it was time for something different. The lightbulb was appropriate when I first purchased this computer almost two years ago... but the time has come to move onto something more serene.
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| New cover is on the bottom here. I'm digging it! |
Truth be told, I'm grateful to have a job to go to every day, but I am struggling mentally with this new way of living. I am much more emotional about this quarantine than I could have ever imagined. I am the poster child for an extroverted introvert. I need social interaction, but when that is done, I just want to go home and curl up on the couch next to my love and have it be quiet. When my 8 hour work day is complete, I move from my kitchen to my couch, and I don't want to do ANYTHING. It takes every ounce of energy I have to do the dishes and make dinner.. and as much as I love knitting and reading, and the occasional video game... I can't bring myself to do any of those things. I try to stay away from news. I try to stay away from anything that is going to make me sad.. but I find myself with tears falling down my face several times a day. Sometimes for a reason... sometimes for no reason at all. I want to go out for coffee. I want to browse TJ Maxx or Goodwill... and in the paraphrased words of a friend, "I just want to go to the grocery store without feeling dirty." I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss my sisters and my parents. I miss MY version of normal.. and I think a lot of the tears are the grief from that loss.
I found this information either late last week or early this week (I literally can barely tell one day from the next at this point.), and it has resonated with me, in a lot of ways. But this line; "Feeling somewhat numb and out of touch with our emotions is normal, especially if you have lived through trauma before." My Trauma response is not the same as yours, probably... because the trauma in my past completely changed me, and conditioned me to react in very specific ways. But, like many victims of domestic violence, I am wired to shut down. I don't deal with fear, stress, change, or conflict the way that others might. That isn't to say that I'm weak, it just takes me longer to process my feelings, and my emotions. My vulnerability was always used against me - so in situations when I feel vulnerable, I struggle. This pandemic has left me feeling like every single aspect of me is exposed... the smallest of criticisms wash over me like waves of inadequacy. I realized today that I accidentally sent an amazon delivery to my post office box instead of to my house, and the thought of having to go to the Post office to get it, literally sent me over the edge.. not because I'm necessarily worried about going out in public, but because I feel like my brain isn't working, and nothing is happening like it "should". My trauma response is different... but it's fucking real, and it is paralyzing.
It would be 100% irresponsible for me to not mention what a fucking saint of a partner I have in this life. Everyone needs a #windowwasher in their lives. Wait, let's pause this for a second. Quick back story time, as I think there are lots of people reading this who don't understand why I call him the Window Washer. When I first started dating Z, my creepy next door neighbor watched him wash the windows in my car for me. The next day, creepy next door neighbor (who is best described as Buffalo Bill from Silence of The Lamb's twin brother.) stopped me after my morning run and said "What'd you do, go and get yourself a boyfriend? I saw him washing the windows in your car, you better keep him around." I took creepy next door neighbors advice, and I haven't looked back once. (It helps, of course, that I no longer have to deal with creepy next door neighbor, as Z and I have been living together for almost a year and a half at this point...)
Here's my advice to others: get yourself a partner you can live through a quarantine and pandemic with. I have listened to friends and coworkers talk about how annoyed they are by their husbands. I am fortunate, that four weeks in, I can honestly say that I have not wanted to kill him once. He's kind, and compassionate and he vacuums. He picks up the slack when I am having a moment (or several moments) I need to struggle through. He rationally talks me through my panic. He keeps me grounded when I'm feeling sorry for myself... and if we're being honest, I'm always Cheryl from the example above... the extra dish is always mine... and he always puts it in the sink. I adore him, and I love him every day... but I'm more grateful for him as we work through this time at home together than I ever imagined I could be.
Be well, friends. Give the people in your house extra hugs. We all need more hugs right now.
All well said. I love you !
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